Phantom Spirits

The mind is a wondrous, yet confusing mechanism. Years, there has been a Phantom Spirit in my mind. Referencing "Magical Thinking" and "Expression of Laughter," facts about being are hidden. Not everything is hidden. My life happened. It would happen whether my Parents were married forever or barely met. However, there was always a looming sense of not really understanding or being fully in touch with my life.

People have various theories about the ideal of love with the perfect person or finding "the Right One." It is often seen as a defense against dating. Finding a perfect person who is everything they should be is impossible. At first this Phantom Spirit was just a looming spirit. They were nice, blonde, tall and probably a figment of my imagination.

It was easy to dismiss when starting to date. I did not want to be a fickle person, yet this ideal was still in mind. Sometimes men I dated were compared to this fictitious person. Any upset would end the relationship. I had a high tendency of ending romantic relationships because we were not in love and it would be better to find someone right for us. Mostly, it was realizing they were not the Right One and feeling a need to wait until finding them.

Throughout life there were pulses of anger, sadness or excitement. It is like swimming in water water for a few seconds with as sense of emotion and passes. These ripples in reality never made sense, yet I wanted to figure out why I was fickle and almost afraid of relationships. There is a long series of related memories. It is difficult finding the commonality until finding an answer. Even after finding an answer, I wonder if it is linking moments together and making answer.

Basically, parts of my life are a lie. As the truth began to surface, it is difficult to understand. A few years ago, I made the realization the person who I thought was my Biological Father, is not. Since then my Phantom Spirit took over and I became a hermit.

Working through the problem, it was important to continue working on life. I did not want to date and magical thinking took control. Seeing this person or that person, maybe they are the Right One. However, I was able to stabilize actions by asking for signs. I could flip coins or flip through cards. Initially I would test the sign until finding the sign.

There was always enough confusion because of various questions that cannot all be right or wrong to avoid too much embarrassment. As time goes by and denial of the overall thought is easier to handle, signs are just disprovable. Except now I do not know what to do.

I have a strong sense about who the Phantom Spirit represents, yet the idea is weird. Even if it was true, there is really nothing to fix it. The first real obstacle was understanding why someone would pose as my Biological Father. I had a whole family on my Dad's side, beside my Step-Father. The relationship with my Step-Father is always consistent. I know it will not change. I feel strange about intruding on my Known Biological Father's life.

I think they always knew. I remember Tony (Known Biological Father) talking about how his Father, my Grandfather, Joe denying he was his Son after three positive paternity tests. He was my Mom's Friend and proof positive Dad after only one paternity test that was 83% positive. He was my Dad. This was about Tony and his Dad Joe. Tony and my Mom knew each other since high school and throughout college. Most people thought they should marry.

Having several problems socializing, despite my Grandmother Mary's statements about the Basque People settling the Americas, first Native Americans, questionable proof Basques are actually descendents of the Chinese and my Mom's discernible knowledge she never slept with someone who is Asian, there are obvious problems. Should I make statements about anything I do not factually know?

My Mom said she dated a wealthy guy with a home who wanted to marry her; except, he made her sick. She had morning sickness and did not know she was pregnant until after the relationship ended.

There is no going back. I know Tony is not my Biological Father. However, I feel good about him acting like a Father and being a good Dad. I am also thankful for my Step-Father (not Grandfather) Joe.

He is a great Father. Though a Step-Father, we are like a normal family. I remember watching television and not talking to each other. Going to the store to get a drink and not talking each other. Notes pointing out misspellings on my phone messages for him. My Parents fighting in the car while going to dinner at a nice restaurant. Meeting his Mom (other Grandmother) and my Cousin. My Mom talking to me about what he would like to tell me. It feels like the only time he talks directly to me is to tell me when the electric bill is high or to give updates on cell phone usage. If you thought your family is broken this is actually the normal relationship between Fathers and Daughters.

I feel good about life. Life is good. I have things to work on and my family is nice. It feels weird having the bubble burst. The information is there; except, I am not going to write it down the name of potential ideas on who my actual Biological Father. It is upsetting thinking everything has to change. Nothing has to change unless something changes. I might be fear of mysterious Biological Father saying, "Hello." Once it was a hidden subconscious memory of love in the form of a Phantom Spirit. Now its a threatening situation. I have to think of possible plans if the life changing events or not life changing events of my Biological Father.

I do not want to marry my Father, biological or otherwise. It is time to think about real relationships with someone. I should look for someone who might like me and who I might like. We should be compatible. Hopefully the Phantom Spirit will disappear. Maybe it won't. It is a comforting thought thinking I do not have to try to find a good relationship because someone will magically appear and rescue me. I know how to settle. Maybe next time it won't feel like settling.

Even after drafting this blog, it was easy to breathe deeply and dismiss everything. It might be true. It might not be true. Maybe because Tony died when I was younger I created an adaptation to replace him in my life to replace grief. I might actually have a wealthy Father in the world who would like to talk to me, yet I suppress memories of him. It is entertaining to think about and more important to focus on knowing I need to edit this blog and post another video while working on getting more products on the internet. My life does not change that easily. I won't blink and suddenly everything is different.

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