Rarely writing about my personal life, people may wonder if I write about experiences. Growing up, three major losses impacted my life: attempted suicide, rape and a friend who committed suicide. Having time to cope with events, I can share my thoughts now.
In school, at the early age of fourteen I began feeling ill and out-of-touch with people. Life was so complicated. I couldn't live up to people's expectations. Previously having to prove I was intelligent because of a lazy eye, winning the school fund raiser sales competition and launching proactive defenses against other students, it seemed as though my future would be bright.
Not knowing it at the time, my hyperthyroidism turned into hypothyroidism. Defensive and alienating people all my energy was needed to get through a regular day. Then realizing I could commit suicide. Stress and everything would be gone, while retaining my misunderstood image. Deciding to cut the vein on elbow joint they could cover the scare for the funeral.
Thinking of many ideas, the best day was the fifteenth. I was born on the fifteenth and turning fifteen. It would be poetic. Visiting California during summer vacation; I would swim into the ocean and drift away. No one would know. It would look like an accident.
Keeping it secret, eventually I rescheduled the event. Wrapped up in suicidal thoughts my next birthday seemed like years away. Resenting everyone around me, it was time. Waking up, I practiced skipping class. Appearing to go to school, I said good-bye to my Mom and stayed home. The house was empty. I could complete the plan without any aftermath.
Later on in the institution, while interns were giving me test results, they told me I would have died by either drinking the alcohol with the medications or cutting myself. The combination restricted blood flow and so I lived. The plan was to die. Without thinking I said, "I planed it." They accepted the answer. Wanting to get out as quickly as possible and not receive any assistance, this was the new answer to everything. I even took biology incase the subject arose. Not sure if the psychologist believed me, he never asked any medical questions, which was good. I wouldn't have correct answers.
Working on committing suicide, "Lithium" by Nirvana was hit song. No one knew lithium is a bandage for hypothyroidism. Embarrassed, I stopped taking lithium immediately after it was subscribed. Surrounded with embarrassment, confusion and ongoing peer-pressure decided to live before dying. One evening we were supposed to go to the all age club; instead, met some guys and got coffee. Having fun, it was okay sitting on people's laps and carrying on. I had never been on a date before. Eventually, I wanted to go home. However, they might I was a snob.
While the idea dating was appealing, I was a virgin an unable to make that decision. My friend kept making suggestions, "We should invite them over. We should have a slumber party," until I was raped. Wearing a scarf to hide the bruises around my neck to go downtown police stopped and asked if there was a problem. I told them no and continued acting as though it was my idea, because I'm just cool like that. Nothing mattered, I was moving to Oregon.
Living in Oregon, an old friend was suffering. I never knew their history with suicidal depression. They were attentive and motivational. They could handle problems. There is so much to regret. Everything was spiraling out-of-control. I didn't like the way they spoke to their parents. They wanted me to watch them accuse their parents of making life awful. I refused to call them friend anymore, so they would understand. Then they punched a hole through a wall and I found out they carried a gun in the car, because people were following them.
Talking to their parents, they wanted him to get treatment. He wouldn't take medications. He had not done anything illegal. Inviting a psychologist to visit the house, my friend acted like everything was fine. "Their parents were overreacting to them lacking interest in finding a job."
Not even a month later they promised to commit themselves. They liked it there and the people were nice, but they had to go alone. The next day their parents picked me up at school. Police found the body on the road up to Mount Hood. He shot himself at pointblank range. He did not feel anything. We no longer had to worry about other people's safety. What he would do for the rest of his life? Would he try to handle it alone again?
Later on this incident and information to avoid the same demise became my inspiration to live differently. Eventually it all seemed planned like fate. I refused to take Lithium; however, I did go to a doctor and take medication for hypothyroidism. Medicine improved a lot in a short time. Seeing needing control gave control to everyone else, I focused on self-control.
I had to move back and everyone thought I loved outrageous stunts, because living every moment is so important. Consequently, there were situations working against graduating or continuing on with a life ending after retirement. They were dangerous so I had to leave, an expression of self-control. Later, after more grieving time and being able to think clearly, at least, I got angry at newer-old friends before leaving. At times I would decide they should know how it feels when someone dies (without dying), ergo, leave. Then they would understand. It was a life lesson, more than protecting myself from grief.
Distant from everyone in a shield of grief and anger my emotions were protected. There is a peculiar feeling when talking to someone later and acknowledging they cared about me. I was too involved in finding answers to open up and do more than have fun. My relationships have dwindled and there is some apprehension toward experiencing another loss. Absentmindedly making new friend, I continuing with my, "I am helping you," attitude.
Smatterings of clarifying information, helps piece memories together. I asked doctors and psychologists about specific issues. Even now I wonder if the whole episode was created for everyone's betterment; however, I realize being prepared for later events would have happened anyway. My life might be totally different, yet there was and is a problem. Now it is possible to turn an awful situation into something good.
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