Logical Duality

Lately I am thinking, "Why are a good portion of my blogs are about philosophy and psychology?" It is an extent of my social persona. It is an extent of my social persona because of events during maturity phases. More importantly, it is a type of obsession. I remember helping a group of friends with a fund raiser, before suffering form hypothyroidism. I was up, bold and caring. Later people called apathetic. As a teen someone close to me committed suicide.

There were several decisions. Apathy is wrong. They should know I like them. I could have been nice. It is important to someone likes you. That became a new reason for spending time with people even when they are rude or bossy. A few years later I want to save the Nice People because all the Nice People die. There are Nice People who are living. Who tries to assist the Nice People before they die?

Why do I feel qualified to write about these topics? I am like a Test Case. New treatments for depression were experimental. No one knew if it would help. It helped. I still think about suicide and weird thoughts about the world, yet within the normal levels of preoccupation. Previously most thoughts consist of why I felt tired, why everyone hated me, short term memory loss and how everything actually happened. There were few hours dedicated to anything else. Even in school, it was a challenge to get through the day without seeming too weird.

After hormone treatment maniacal thoughts, absolutes and wrong conclusions became occasional incidents so there was more time to think about life, future and feeling safe. Everything became better. It was easy to get a job and plod on like a respectable person. There is an abundance of post treatment. It is supposed to happen with a Psychologist, yet one Psychologist wanted to meet my family. She said they were overbearing. I could not understand why she wanted to start fights between my family and I. I stopped treatment and know years of therapy is either too uncomfortable or expensive for several people. Self help books and learning is a ongoing process throughout a person's life and less expensive. Recently I found reasons to believe living is better than going to Hell.

Perhaps reading "Dianetics" is assisting in following this thought pattern. It summarizes several translations of philosophies and clinical studies. The book is written in Regular English so Regular People might consider these foreign ideas. The basis for L. Ron Hubbard's was modern and mysterious when he wrote the book. Now copies of the original translations are available in book stores and textbooks everywhere. This is my first time reading "Dianetics," yet I am familiar with most of the philosophies and ongoing clinical tests to identify methods to improve theories.

Chapter 12 mentions people making decisions in association to abhorrent actions of other people. This includes family. Frequently genetics illnesses are transferred to multiple members of a family. Goiter is a problem and I had hypothyroidism. Members of the family, healthy or ill, develop a social philosophy to assist in improving the quality of life through dialogue and best practices when witnessing a particular action. L. Ron Hubbard uses molestation in his hypothesis. I cringe and then appreciate detrimental stories to bring attention to otherwise innocuous events. Freud was also known for making sterile science sound sexually perverse. Patricide and incest is more compelling than his own life; wherein, his parents believed he would be a great man and then he became a great man.

Already familiar with what people call hypnosis or regression therapy these techniques are also called meditation, prayer or dream interpretation. In Tao it is also known as contacting the Creature Spirits. Opening the mind to see Creature Spirits means a person is humble so they may sense portions of the Invisible Kingdom which contains intelligent animals. In many European Cultures understanding dreams, awake or asleep, equals attempts to understand the God's. In modern science those who analyze these ideals call it opening a link between the subconscious and conscious mind. A person opens awareness to the subconscious and then try to understand what the superior subconscious mind recommends because the subconscious and conscious mind speak different languages.

I am still dealing with ongoing emotions stemming from one event. Logical support is unavailable. Dualities form frequently, so I know there is a problem. I have a strong desire to avoid intimate relationships or become pregnant. The thought of purposely bringing another life into the world is mean. Those amongst the living try to make life tolerable. After being born life is challenging and full of experiences. You live and go from one respectable activity to another while knowing suicide is not optional. Restrain yourself from deadly activities and allow everyone to plod on with life.

Plodding was great for several years. Just put one foot in front of another. Use some intelligence in deciding the next life experience to keep going. It is weird that I have this attitude. In comparison to most lives my anomalies lean toward preferable experiences. Recently I was more daring and there are tedious anomalies forcing me to the other end of the parabola. The perception of preferable and tedious relates to the length of a person's life. Longer lives are preferred.

One time my Best Friend and a Group of Local Acquaintances through a Rave for my birthday. There was a huge crowd. They set up a video lab with my favorite programs. I should have been excited. It is one of those "best moments in my life" experiences, yet I felt sad. Something inside me would not allow this to be enjoyable. Now it is a few years since really talking to any of them. I know I am an ongoing part of the culture. It is awkward and everything is good.

I have thought about this issue for years. The behavior continues and sometimes gets worse with even more erratic dissatisfaction with enjoyment. Sometimes there is a frantic, exciting reaction to gain a "solid form of livability." Everything returns to a nice cringing almost depressing life, but it actually takes some work to make life adhere to my normal.

Usually people want to focus on trauma to find answers to problems. Sometimes it is a memory. As a Teen I respected someone who had suicidal depression. Sometimes they talked about life and death. There is no specific statement saying anything is better than life. Maybe sarcasm to the idea that no one would kill themselves because they might go to Hell. It is more about the way they walk and talk about life. They share being able to do whatever you want in Hell. Hell is better than knowing everyone around lies, because that is what people do to get along, though they don't lie when saying something nice to another person. Life and living are worse than the somewhat comical exaggerations of Hell.

I was in beginning phases of depression. Everything they said was flawless and true. Coping with depression I realize thoughts were twisting around each other. Since then I have had to make up tests to verify my beliefs about a person or situation has factual errors. This verifies or disproves what I thought was true. As a Test Case simply living is impressive though expectations are relatively high.

I can really help myself; ergo, I can really help other people. This preoccupation with depression, stress, narcissism and other aliments helps me as much as it helps other people. My purpose is helping in finding their purpose. I only post valid information and try to fact check materials so it coincides with a larger group of people who are able to verify information as mostly true. This is much better than simply observing life, though maintaining it is philosophy, because often theories are my opinion.

Hypnosis is dangerous. Meditation has been in use for eons. Now after several years I can say life is not worse than Hell. Though not believing in Hell, life is fine. Life can even be fun sometimes. There are highs and lows that are more than just a compilation of different sensations. I spend time thinking about protecting my weak fleshy body. I enjoy reading. I enjoy connecting with people on a personal level and it is fun. Life has a level of personal satisfaction.

ChaKation has meditations I came up with while practicing other meditations. The thought of living might seem tedious to those still feeling useless and hopeless. I hope this admission of enjoyment does not detour people from experimenting with the idea of seeing a doctor. It is another experience. Another experience were something happens and whatever.

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Personal Notes about Me

Rarely writing about my personal life, people may wonder if I write about experiences. Growing up, three major losses impacted my life: attempted suicide, rape and a friend who committed suicide. Having time to cope with events, I can share my thoughts now.

In school, at the early age of fourteen I began feeling ill and out-of-touch with people. Life was so complicated. I couldn't live up to people's expectations. Previously having to prove I was intelligent because of a lazy eye, winning the school fund raiser sales competition and launching proactive defenses against other students, it seemed as though my future would be bright.

Not knowing it at the time, my hyperthyroidism turned into hypothyroidism. Defensive and alienating people all my energy was needed to get through a regular day. Then realizing I could commit suicide. Stress and everything would be gone, while retaining my misunderstood image. Deciding to cut the vein on elbow joint they could cover the scare for the funeral.

Thinking of many ideas, the best day was the fifteenth. I was born on the fifteenth and turning fifteen. It would be poetic. Visiting California during summer vacation; I would swim into the ocean and drift away. No one would know. It would look like an accident.

Keeping it secret, eventually I rescheduled the event. Wrapped up in suicidal thoughts my next birthday seemed like years away. Resenting everyone around me, it was time. Waking up, I practiced skipping class. Appearing to go to school, I said good-bye to my Mom and stayed home. The house was empty. I could complete the plan without any aftermath.

Later on in the institution, while interns were giving me test results, they told me I would have died by either drinking the alcohol with the medications or cutting myself. The combination restricted blood flow and so I lived. The plan was to die. Without thinking I said, "I planed it." They accepted the answer. Wanting to get out as quickly as possible and not receive any assistance, this was the new answer to everything. I even took biology incase the subject arose. Not sure if the psychologist believed me, he never asked any medical questions, which was good. I wouldn't have correct answers.

Working on committing suicide, "Lithium" by Nirvana was hit song. No one knew lithium is a bandage for hypothyroidism. Embarrassed, I stopped taking lithium immediately after it was subscribed. Surrounded with embarrassment, confusion and ongoing peer-pressure decided to live before dying. One evening we were supposed to go to the all age club; instead, met some guys and got coffee. Having fun, it was okay sitting on people's laps and carrying on. I had never been on a date before. Eventually, I wanted to go home. However, they might I was a snob.

While the idea dating was appealing, I was a virgin an unable to make that decision. My friend kept making suggestions, "We should invite them over. We should have a slumber party," until I was raped. Wearing a scarf to hide the bruises around my neck to go downtown police stopped and asked if there was a problem. I told them no and continued acting as though it was my idea, because I'm just cool like that. Nothing mattered, I was moving to Oregon.

Living in Oregon, an old friend was suffering. I never knew their history with suicidal depression. They were attentive and motivational. They could handle problems. There is so much to regret. Everything was spiraling out-of-control. I didn't like the way they spoke to their parents. They wanted me to watch them accuse their parents of making life awful. I refused to call them friend anymore, so they would understand. Then they punched a hole through a wall and I found out they carried a gun in the car, because people were following them.

Talking to their parents, they wanted him to get treatment. He wouldn't take medications. He had not done anything illegal. Inviting a psychologist to visit the house, my friend acted like everything was fine. "Their parents were overreacting to them lacking interest in finding a job."

Not even a month later they promised to commit themselves. They liked it there and the people were nice, but they had to go alone. The next day their parents picked me up at school. Police found the body on the road up to Mount Hood. He shot himself at pointblank range. He did not feel anything. We no longer had to worry about other people's safety. What he would do for the rest of his life? Would he try to handle it alone again?

Later on this incident and information to avoid the same demise became my inspiration to live differently. Eventually it all seemed planned like fate. I refused to take Lithium; however, I did go to a doctor and take medication for hypothyroidism. Medicine improved a lot in a short time. Seeing needing control gave control to everyone else, I focused on self-control.

I had to move back and everyone thought I loved outrageous stunts, because living every moment is so important. Consequently, there were situations working against graduating or continuing on with a life ending after retirement. They were dangerous so I had to leave, an expression of self-control. Later, after more grieving time and being able to think clearly, at least, I got angry at newer-old friends before leaving. At times I would decide they should know how it feels when someone dies (without dying), ergo, leave. Then they would understand. It was a life lesson, more than protecting myself from grief.

Distant from everyone in a shield of grief and anger my emotions were protected. There is a peculiar feeling when talking to someone later and acknowledging they cared about me. I was too involved in finding answers to open up and do more than have fun. My relationships have dwindled and there is some apprehension toward experiencing another loss. Absentmindedly making new friend, I continuing with my, "I am helping you," attitude.

Smatterings of clarifying information, helps piece memories together. I asked doctors and psychologists about specific issues. Even now I wonder if the whole episode was created for everyone's betterment; however, I realize being prepared for later events would have happened anyway. My life might be totally different, yet there was and is a problem. Now it is possible to turn an awful situation into something good.

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