Often we play the "blame game." Too close to situations, a third person or object becomes involved to avoid or shut down communication. It is easier to communicate through the third person, or blame an object than deal with an ongoing issue. For example, siblings are fighting. They reach a point in which they become so angry they ask their mother to relay messages. Now they no longer have to speak to each other. They speak to the person they are comfortable with, who then sacrifices their time to keep everyone together, pulling the relationship ahead. Sometimes the third party becomes victimized in order to resolve the feud; however, it generally remains in place, so both siblings may live to the fullest.
This is a viable approach. How much right does anyone have in telling another how to live? Yet, this communication fails. Someone gets hurt and someone is blamed. Alcohol, cigarettes and guns have become third party inanimate objects to relieve tension. Father doesn't feel he has to explain why he enjoys having a social life or discuss issues with his wife who should get a social life. Alcohol is not doing anything, except acting a scapegoat. Unfortunately, alcoholism is associated to: unsafe driving, overspending and health problems. These are all easily dealt with: call for a ride home, budget for entertainment and do not drink in excess.
The unfortunate problem with having three wheels is real issues are escalating, while blaming the alcohol or placing another person in an argument. After a long time of bickering over alcohol, because they are not brave enough to say, "I feel good about myself when hanging out with my friends. You might feel better if you went out every once in awhile," father is finding reasons to not go home because it is unpleasant. They always fight. She is clingy, held an intervention and the children are upset with him. They feel unloved. The underlying problem is expanding. At this point, simply quitting drinking will not resolve all the issues that could have been dealt with in the beginning with honesty.
Racism, materialism and many other "isms" are consequences of social tricycles. It is easier to blame someone or something at a distance or exempt from blame. Since it has worked in the past, most people believe it will work in the future, continuing to deny the system has failed and problems are escalating. Being able to identify a third wheel pattern assists in diffusing issues. This forces the two parties to face each other and stop sharing their problems with everyone. Even without the use of alcohol, parents drag children into personal issues as tools to gain control and win.
A problem amongst divorced couples is how parents speak ill about each other to their children. Children often gain a sense of self through how they perceive both parents. When a parent is accused of having a short-temper, it becomes second nature to cite the short-tempered parent. Blame is an acceptable method to avoid punishment for unexplainable anger. This is fine, until harming someone who doesn't care about "excuses."
Both internally and externally, recognize when becoming a third wheel and when a being a third wheel damages relationships. It is often difficult. Being aware of the pattern produces better ideas when trying to resolve ongoing issues.
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